Into the Depths

About two weeks ago, late in the evening, I was curled up in bed with my Bible, my journal and some art stuff, praying. I was reading through the gospel of Matthew and having a difficult time finishing the book. It seems like whenever I get to the part where Jesus is arrested, I just want the story to be over. I don’t want to read about his death. It always makes me cry. So I tend to avoid it.

On this particular night I found myself in that predicament again. I put off reading it for two days and was getting pretty far behind Alastair (as we try to read the same stuff everyday). I decided to just read it and get it over with- kind of like pulling off bandaids- which I totally hate. I always wear them until they fall off, gross, but effective in avoiding the pain of the pull.

As I speed read the text, diconnecting from its reality as much as possible, my spirit stirred and tears started flowing. I had to put the book down. What was Jesus thinking? How could he be willing to die for me? As he gazed down from the cross at his disciples, at me, weeping over him, what thoughts crossed his mind?

Then in the pause, the stillness, the heavy questions on my heart were answered.

As clearly as a thought can be- without being an auditory hallucination- I heard, “If I die, then we get to be together for all eternity.”

And I wept. And I wrote it down so I can never forget it.

Whenever I doubt his love or ask, “Do you love me?”. I have my answer.

We are so loved he wants to be with us, to spend time with us, forever. He wants to be by our side in all things. He wants to be there when we are born, when we get married, when we struggle with life, when we mourn, when we die, and when we are raised again. He wants to be with us. To me, that is the greatest expression of love.