Into the Depths

Just kidding. But it rings true to what has been happening lately in my heart.

This past month I have felt heavy, achy, sad, yearning, hungry, etc. Ultimately I committed to not distract myself and just to wait in it. Wait with the weight of it. Wait for God to show up and answer my question, “Do you love me?”

As I wait I felt this question arise, as if from the Spirit (which Mark Buchanan would like since he believes God often asks questions rather than give quip answers, see The Rest of God):

“What would you do to hear the voice of God? What would you be willing to give up?”

My gut reaction was honest and painful. I would do anything, give up anything, to know in a deeply personal way that the God of the Universe loves me and cares enough to communicate that to me.

That was Saturday.

Sunday morning: As I am cleaning the house, alone and pretty quiet, I feel the weight of my heart again and I start crying. I am wandering the house with a static cling duster-brush wiping away more tears than dust.

I think my desperation hit a new level. I not only wanted to hear God’s voice, wanted to have it rip my heart open and put salve on the wound, but I recognized my need for it. I recognized how ineffective I am as a human being without the confident knowledge of God’s love. How can I love my husband well if I am not first filled with real love from God’s hand? How can I counsel others on life if my life is not centered in the purpose given by God’s love? How can I be generous, caring, compassionate, wise? How can I offer anything to this world without being empowered and enabled by God’s love?

So I cried.

Then I went to Church.

And Isaac preached, and he asked the same damn question God asked me. What would you give up, or remove, that may be hindering your whole-hearted commitment to God?

And I remembered the brownie sundae… the “cupcakes for you” article…the mass amounts of sweet tea and chocolate I have consumed this month for comfort, escape. And the gym. Running and running, pushing my body for some peace, security, control.

“Seriously?” I begrudgingly asked. “When I am willing to quit my job, move to Africa, or become a nun (who is married?) - and you want me to give up sweets? and kick-ass exercise?”

The sad part is I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to give it up. I wanted to keep my tangible, albeit temporary, experiences of love and control. I felt scared, threatened, vulnerable. That is when I knew I had attachment to these things and they were keeping me from hearing God’s answer to my question.

Thus, I quit -temporarily. I gave up sweets- even “sugar-free” sweets (haha believe me it crossed my mind!). I have given up exercise as a source of control and security, now letting it be for fun or play or enjoyment.

Although it feels shallow, I want to hear God’s voice that badly. I need to hear from him that he loves me.