Into the Depths

About two weeks ago, late in the evening, I was curled up in bed with my Bible, my journal and some art stuff, praying. I was reading through the gospel of Matthew and having a difficult time finishing the book. It seems like whenever I get to the part where Jesus is arrested, I just want the story to be over. I don’t want to read about his death. It always makes me cry. So I tend to avoid it.

On this particular night I found myself in that predicament again. I put off reading it for two days and was getting pretty far behind Alastair (as we try to read the same stuff everyday). I decided to just read it and get it over with- kind of like pulling off bandaids- which I totally hate. I always wear them until they fall off, gross, but effective in avoiding the pain of the pull.

As I speed read the text, diconnecting from its reality as much as possible, my spirit stirred and tears started flowing. I had to put the book down. What was Jesus thinking? How could he be willing to die for me? As he gazed down from the cross at his disciples, at me, weeping over him, what thoughts crossed his mind?

Then in the pause, the stillness, the heavy questions on my heart were answered.

As clearly as a thought can be- without being an auditory hallucination- I heard, “If I die, then we get to be together for all eternity.”

And I wept. And I wrote it down so I can never forget it.

Whenever I doubt his love or ask, “Do you love me?”. I have my answer.

We are so loved he wants to be with us, to spend time with us, forever. He wants to be by our side in all things. He wants to be there when we are born, when we get married, when we struggle with life, when we mourn, when we die, and when we are raised again. He wants to be with us. To me, that is the greatest expression of love.

Just kidding. But it rings true to what has been happening lately in my heart.

This past month I have felt heavy, achy, sad, yearning, hungry, etc. Ultimately I committed to not distract myself and just to wait in it. Wait with the weight of it. Wait for God to show up and answer my question, “Do you love me?”

As I wait I felt this question arise, as if from the Spirit (which Mark Buchanan would like since he believes God often asks questions rather than give quip answers, see The Rest of God):

“What would you do to hear the voice of God? What would you be willing to give up?”

My gut reaction was honest and painful. I would do anything, give up anything, to know in a deeply personal way that the God of the Universe loves me and cares enough to communicate that to me.

That was Saturday.

Sunday morning: As I am cleaning the house, alone and pretty quiet, I feel the weight of my heart again and I start crying. I am wandering the house with a static cling duster-brush wiping away more tears than dust.

I think my desperation hit a new level. I not only wanted to hear God’s voice, wanted to have it rip my heart open and put salve on the wound, but I recognized my need for it. I recognized how ineffective I am as a human being without the confident knowledge of God’s love. How can I love my husband well if I am not first filled with real love from God’s hand? How can I counsel others on life if my life is not centered in the purpose given by God’s love? How can I be generous, caring, compassionate, wise? How can I offer anything to this world without being empowered and enabled by God’s love?

So I cried.

Then I went to Church.

And Isaac preached, and he asked the same damn question God asked me. What would you give up, or remove, that may be hindering your whole-hearted commitment to God?

And I remembered the brownie sundae… the “cupcakes for you” article…the mass amounts of sweet tea and chocolate I have consumed this month for comfort, escape. And the gym. Running and running, pushing my body for some peace, security, control.

“Seriously?” I begrudgingly asked. “When I am willing to quit my job, move to Africa, or become a nun (who is married?) - and you want me to give up sweets? and kick-ass exercise?”

The sad part is I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to give it up. I wanted to keep my tangible, albeit temporary, experiences of love and control. I felt scared, threatened, vulnerable. That is when I knew I had attachment to these things and they were keeping me from hearing God’s answer to my question.

Thus, I quit -temporarily. I gave up sweets- even “sugar-free” sweets (haha believe me it crossed my mind!). I have given up exercise as a source of control and security, now letting it be for fun or play or enjoyment.

Although it feels shallow, I want to hear God’s voice that badly. I need to hear from him that he loves me.

Yesterday and today I have been craving an enormous hot melty gooey chewy brownie with dark chocolate chunks smothered in vanilla bean ice cream and hot fudge sauce, hold the nuts please.

I have also had the yearning to go shopping, wander the aisles of a department store, try on shoes, and buy lots of pretty new things.

These have been my daydreams and longings for 48 hours- and if I had some free time I am positive I would have already demolished the sundae and been shopping by now.

But today, Dawna found the most intriguing article called, “Cupcakes for you” Geneen Roth(see below). Now, of course the idea of cupcakes grabbed my attention and I listened lazily as she read off the computer screen.

To sum it up, the cupcakes are my solution to the ache, my faux desire. They seem to offer everything my heart could long for. However, the desire beneath them when pulled into the light recognizes that a cupcake would fall pathetically short.

The brownie supreme sundae dripping with warmed fudge is a temporary fix. The dresses and shoes and twirling that would ensue follow a shopping spree are a poor substitution for what I really want.

I crave an escape, a break, a respite, a rest. I crave comfort.

I might still have the sundae, and go shopping, but at least I can enjoy them for what they are- delicious and fun- but not be disappointed when they don’t heal the cracks of my heart.